Solace

So I had an anxiety attack. Like a full blown, oh my god what the hell is happening anxiety attack. I tossed and turned and suddenly realized that the only possible explanation of what I was feeling, which was some sort of cross between iron man lungs (that while expanding to a certain level, could only go so far without exploding), and the sudden onslaught of a heart beat that threatened to beat it's little self right out of my ribcage, meant that I was in dire need of a pacemaker, because, after all my mother ended up needing one. And, if you know even the slightest thing about me, you know that god has for some reason, decided that my penance for being rude, disrespectful, and at some times even a bitch to the one I call 'mom', was to inflict on me all of the same issues that my mother has ever had. Honestly, if you follow my mother's life story up until my current age, you will find me. However, I digress, slightly. To recap, I had a first ever anxiety attack in the middle of the night, to which Mike sleepily responded, "it's called being drunk".. trust me, I would have taken the spinning bed over what happened last night.

I've had a stressful week, but not something that I think would have warranted this sort of event. So, I did what every girl in my position would do without Oprah's personal line... I called my mom. I explained to her everything that happened, and she of course has an in depth analysis of what she think happened to me. Basically, I'm f*cked. I hate to be vulgar, but for the first time in my life I learned that these are common place in m family... lovely.

So my granny is sick... again, which since I am a chronic facebooker, you all know. I love her, I love my family, and I can't help but think about these things when I lay my head down at night. I'm blessed, I know that. I hope that at the end of my days, I have a granddaughter who thinks the world of me, and despite being unable to communicate with her any longer, this same granddaughter takes an immense amount of pleasure in seeing me in her own daughters smile. Because I think, if you have that sort of profound impact on someone's life, you have done your duty on this earth. So yes, does her battle with the inevitable descent into the end bother me... of course.

But here's where the solace comes into the situation. I had a shitty day, a shitty few days, but I had a small army of friends and loving family to wonder how things were. I had the BLESSING to turn to people with tears in my eyes (or bad collagen injections as I tried to pass them off as last night!!) and know that hugs and random acts of chocolate were in my near future.

So as I go to bed tonight, with a red wine stained shirt from the incessant giggling that unfolded when we were retelling stories with old friends, and a heart that is both heavy and so utterly thankful for it's overflowing emotion, I can't help but echo the song that is playing in Ben's room right now. "In this life... I was loved by you".

So I'll take the middle of the night anxiety attacks. Because, as my Garth so brilliantly put it,

"Our lives are better left to chance,

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd have had to miss the dance"

And, again if you know me, I'll dance...always. Even if it's polka, because even polka can be fun if you set your mind to it.

Olympic Flavored Rant

.. You are Cautioned

　

Protestors.. Screw off. Like now.

I am sorry that you feel as though the money poured into the Olympic Games should have been spent elsewhere. I am sorry that you feel as though these Olympic games are being held on stolen ground, despite the fact that the Four Chiefs of the hosting area have whole-heartedly endorsed it. You think the government hasn’t spent enough to help the homeless people, and instead has spent the money on what you call, “A 2 ½ week party”.

Let’s take a step back, you group of Ad-Buster reading, anti-Capitalism spewing, I’m so cool because I’m ALWAYS taking the opposite stand of the average Canadian, people. Because do you know what you did today?? You stopped a group of veterans, VETERANS who RISKED their lives to give you the opportunity to showcase your ‘arts and crafts’ for the whole nation to see., from fulfilling a dream. These veterans stood for hours waiting for their chance to see the Olympic flame pass by them, and for some of them to actually be honoured enough to carry and pass the torch on. But you stopped them, in FRONT of a military monument no less. Disgrace.

I’ve just gotten warmed up, because even if we look past the horrible disrespect you paid to the veterans, and soldiers RIGHT now fighting for your unappreciative lives in WAR right now, let’t talk a little about this ‘party’.

So yes, the Olympics cost money to host, they also bring a lot of money into your city as well. But let’s remind ourselves that North America was already in a downward slump WAY before the Olympics came into town, and will continue to be in other areas not at all affected by the cost of the Olympics. Listen, I don’t pretend to know all the ins and outs of the economy for the Olympics, but what I do know is that it’s not going to cripple Vancouver. Well, according to all the educated professionals they have consulted.

　

At finally, let’s talk about the Athletes, my angry little protestors. Besides taking offence to them games (and countless other world-unifying, patriotic events), have you EVER dedicated yourself, mind, body and spirit to something, and trained your whole life for a moment to showcase what all your hard work was for? Ya, I didn’t think so.

The actual games haven’t even started yet, and the adulation, smiles, and patriotic breeze is going through Canada. In virtually every community I heard that the torch has passed through, people came out in droves to show a unified front for something we can all get behind, Canada. Really look at the faces of the people with tears in their eyes just watching the TORCH RELAY go through the country.. The pride the people have that are carrying it. Cancer warriors battling right now in hospital standing up and singing and impromptu “O Canada’ as the flame passes by.

Then just piss off.

　

Carpe Diem.. Even if it is freezing!!

I’ll admit that I am one of the worst people for uttering that phrase you hear so often in this part of the country, “WHY do people want to live here???” as I’m scraping ice that would be enviable for a curling rink off my windsheild. We’ve all has those days that no matter what we do, nothing but a hot bath and a spiked hot chocolate can warm you up. It is these very moments why I ask myself why we STILL live in Saskatchewan and endure these winters year after year. I envy the people that escape for the coldest part of the winter to hot destinations and come back looking unnaturally relaxed for this time of year. If I glance at the framed picture above my couch that we took in Maui of the ocean at sunset with the palm trees gently bending in the breeze or smell coconut anytime between September and June it is enough to send me into an angry fit of “Why me Why ME WHY MMMMEEE”.

Then, there are days like today. On days like today I remember why I don’t leave this place. The sun shining down and the snow reflecting the rays back into the atmosphere, making everything seem so bright and ethereal. The world covered in the blanket that makes everything seem both so quiet, and so loud. The way it sounds to only hear the crunching under your boots as you tromp across the field. And, of course the rosy glow in my children’s cheeks after we’ve been outside for awhile.

Nothing makes you feel more alive than sincerely enjoying every moment of your life… even in the cold. There is a saying that I just can’t seem to keep out of my head lately. “The way we spend our days, is of course, the way we spend our lives”. Why yes, it is isn’t it?? So often we sit around and think of things we would rather be doing,.. like laying on the beach hearing the waves crash onto the sand, and seriously neglect where and what we are doing that day in our life. Because, as the saying goes, if we are forever spending our days wishing we could be doing something else, somewhere else, what kind of life is that?

I also remember a conversation I had with a friend once after I had complained that I didn’t want to be at work, and was consequently sulky and dare I say, even a bit bitchy. To which he said, “You have to be here either way, so you might as well be happy about it!”.

So, my friends, I have to be here, in the almost-arctic (haha) whether I like it or not. So I’m gonna keep putting my boots on, bundle up as best as my mom taught me, take a big deep breath of the winter air and be happy about it!