A Public Service announcement from a Good Canadian Kid, on behalf of us
polite Canadians.
I’m a good Canadian girl, who grew up watching hockey, live
or on TV, spent the summers camping in the mountains, drinks Tim Horton’s like
it’s my job, and makes jokes constantly, whether they are funny or not. I married a tall, handsome hockey player who
became a Mountie (Royal Canadian Mounted Police by the way.. POLICE being the
operative word. Yes they carry guns and
do not wear the red ceremonial serge every day).
We both graduated from Canadian Universities, and have lived
in three provinces. We know someone in
each province, and all territories, although probably not the guy you used to
work with who was from Toronto.
This is the only authority upon which I have to educate
anyone on Canadiana. But like everything
else in my life, I will do so anyway.
Want some background music? This video may do the trick:
Alright.
Here it is. A short
guide to speaking Canadian. I never used
to think it was a necessity, but in the spirit of Canada Day this weekend, I
thought I would help you non-Canadians.
Now, I hate to break it down this.. well, elementary, but
let’s take a quick look at the Canadian map.
And we have provinces and territories, not states. Ok?
Note that our country land’s mass is bigger than the United
States. This means our provinces are
big. Really, really big.
Now let’s get on with it.. shall we?
Helpful Hint #1- Eh?
I’m going there. This
is perhaps the most overt stereotype Canadians deal with. Yes, we do say it. Not all of us, and more so in certain
provinces.
To put it into American terms, it would be like giggling and
nudging a guy from Maine and saying “Howdy Y’all”.
Not quite the right part of the country, see?
And if you insist on saying it to Canadians, at least get it
right. “Good Morning” need never be
followed by ‘Eh’. But, if you run into
us and you are really dying to use some Canadiana, say “It’s a really beautiful
morning, eh?”.
Also I do not know a single Canadian that says ‘aBOOT’
instead of ‘about’. If you think we
sound like that, you probably sound much funnier.
Helpful Hint #2- Beaver
Pride
As Canadians, we don’t really seem to run around spouting
our love for our country, decorating ourselves in flags, and proclaiming our
country above all others. We like to
think ours is a quiet confidence. I
mean, when you know, you just know.. you know?
We like to keep it to ourselves, and think sometimes you all
act a bit like Tom Cruise getting all crazy up on Oprah’s couch. Not that there’s
anything wrong with that, it’s just not our thing.
This doesn’t mean we take kindly to Canadian bashing.
Really!?! We had no
idea our military was so small, it didn’t really come up when we weren’t
invading other countries. Peace keeping
around the world is more our style.
Seriously?!? It gets
cold in Canada. Yep it kinda sucks to
have four beautiful seasons to contend with.
I’ve always hated skiing powder in the mountains. I’m so glad it hasn’t caught on.
I mean for the most part ignorance is well, ignorance, so we
will politely set you straight. But even
the most polite of nations won’t take kindly to continued jabs in our
direction.
However, Nickelback, Avril Lavigne, and Celine Dion are fair
game. We don’t like them either.
Helpful Hint #3- Fun
Facts!!
In Global Education, Canadian teenagers are sitting in 6th
out of 65 countries.
We live longer, have sex more, have better work-life
balance, make more money and are more tolerant of gay marriage and lifestyle
than our neighbors to the south.
Here’s the link to the broken down stats:
We invented the light bulb, the telephone,
the zipper, hockey, basketball, lacrosse, insulin, wonderbra, and obviously,
only second to the world’s foremost pushup bra.. poutine. Plus a lot of other important things…
But, we also invented Justin
Beiber.. so maybe a few demerits there.
Oh, but Ryan Renolds AND Ryan
Gosling are Canadians. You’re welcome,
world.
Helpful Hint #4- The Stereotype that is the Most Accurate
We love hockey.
Not every individual lives and
breaths the game, but as a nation we love every part of it.
We love small town rinks in the
middle of nowhere with the best fries and burgers around. We love watching hockey with Tim Hortons in
our hands, sitting under radiant heaters while our asses are freezing on
plywood benches in -30 weather. We love watching hockey in plush seats in the
expensive section of any NHL game freezing our fingers off with $15 beer. We love gathering together in living rooms,
basements, or any other public space when Team Canada is playing. (It is more
important to be with someone during the Gold Medal game than it is to be with
others on Christmas.)
And our leader, our patron saint
of hockey up here in the Great North is Don Cherry.
Never scoff at his loud suits and
his very Canadian accent. He wears a rose on his lapel every day of his life to
honor his beloved wife Rose who passed away many years ago. All while teaching the kids of our country
how to take a hit, make a hit, and how to act classy while doing so.
Here’s some of his highlights:
Helpful Hint #5- We Like to Laugh.. A lot
Now I feel like I’ve been coming
down a little hard.. it’s the Canadian in me that wants to make sure I stay
polite, and at the end of the day, amusing.
We love to laugh up here. Maybe it’s the fact that a great part of the
year is spent indoors escaping the cold, or on highways driving this vast wonderland,
but we love to have a good time.
I think Mike Meyers, Jim Carrey, Seth
Rogen, Dan Akroyd, John Candy, Eugene Levy, Leslie Nielsen, and Catherine O’Hara
can tell you all a few things about the comedic climate up here.
We also drink a lot. I mean… in my personal experience of
Canada.
So obviously that makes us much
funnier.
A parting video, which is, of
course, a beer commercial, illustrating just a tiny bit of the wonderful
country I call home:
