I write a lot about relationships, specifically mine (write
what you know, right??,). And I’m drawn,
after years of being in a relationship, getting older and seeing some become
stronger and some fall apart, to figure out why sometime it works and sometimes
it doesn’t.
Because it all starts the same, right?
Attraction. Chemistry.
Butterflies.
Then maybe it fizzles, or it grows to include attachment and
meaningful love. We have babies
together, we make lives together. We
know where your back is always sore, that you can never remember the phone
number for your brother, or that there isn’t a saying or punchline that you won’t
mess up.
And there’s the same arguments held over and over
again. There’s the points of contention
that never seem to be dulled. There’s the same buttons that hurt when pushed.
Within this delicate balance, this dance of life, some seem
to get stuck and forget how to dance.
Maybe they just stop wanting to dance all together. But some, some miraculously, dance on until
the music fades to dusk.
But… why?
So often we hear “outgrown” or “it’s been over for a long
time” when people decide to end things.
And the researcher in me, the person fascinated with truth, is always
dying to delve in and ask uncomfortable questions.
So it's with my best friends, curled up with a glass of
wine, that I gain real insight into men and women, marriages, partnerships,
things that work and don’t work. I have
the best girls in the world. We are open
and honest.. REALLY honest about the mistakes, the highlights, and the times we
thought living in a commune might be ideal (ok that was my idea).
We talk a lot about give and take. What works? How can you learn to be the right
partner for your partner as life inevitably takes over and you grow and change
as an individual. It’s folly to think
otherwise, and marriage and friendships are doomed if you think the other half
of you will never change.
But, on the contrary, who you were when you met, the essence
of you are, never changes. To quote F. Scott Fitzgerald,
“I don't ask you to
love me always like this but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside of me
there will always be the person I am tonight.”
We talk and talk and rehash who we are, what we have done
that works and what we have done that doesn’t, and it still seems like no one,
even those married for a hundred years, can figure out what the key to it all
is. Mostly, as I can determine, because
every person is so different, and every situation so varied that there is no
one way to describe ‘how to make it work’.
Don’t believe Dr. Phil or the Self-Help section.
Naturally I turn the microscope on myself.
True self-reflection to me is a gift that I get given once
every three months.. that’s a rough average.
It happens when I’m reading something, or listening to a song, and
something resonates so deeply that I have a brief moment when I can skip and
see my life, not just from the outside, but in a more mechanical, non-biased
way. I think scienticians (that’s an
inside joke.. if you’re nerdy you’ll get it) call it existentialism.
I mean why have we made it so far?
I am an out there kind of person.. I am free with my
opinions (don't you all know this..) enthusiasm, and affection. I love hard and gregariously. I think the best of all people, and that
intentions are always well-meaning. However,
I am closely guarded about how I feel. Small
difference in nuance, huge difference in meaning.
I am married to someone who is the complete opposite. He is quiet and reserved and definite. He sees what people’s intentions are way
before I want to believe it. He is sure
about people, situations and what he feels about life.
People are genuinely surprised when they meet one of us, and
get to know us before meeting the other one.
It seems INSANE that two people so genuinely unalike in personality have
been together for so long.
As I do, I listen to music, and I read.
This article popped up on my feed and I chuckled and gave it
a whirl. Thinking this author meant to
talk about free-love and hippies (and hopefully communes!!!). But upon reading it, I saw something else
entirely. I saw how the author
articulated, more eloquently than I, how so far in our lives my husband has
managed to put up with my butterfly ways.
How he can sit back and let me make new best friends wherever I go, talk
to everyone and anyone about whatever is on my mind, how he puts up with living
and loving a person who is constantly at battle with who she is, what she wants
out of life, and who she wants to be when she grows up.
In the article, “How To Love A Wild Woman”, he writes:
“Do not be jealous of
her smile, her laugh, her body or her love. Smile at the pleasure she brings to
others and do not resent it and wish it all for you. She has chosen you.
Let her fly and do not stunt her desires because you are
scared of losing her to them. Support her dreams; entwine yourself in them if
she wants you there. But let her go too. Give her freedom and choice because in
following her heart she is most happy.”
Sometimes following my heart means eating a poutine in
bed. Or watching a sad movie and weeping
and snotting on him. Often times it’s
wandering around parties and gatherings and asking perfect strangers
inappropriate questions about their lives.
And making best friends. He has
heard me declare “YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND” to someone I have just met at least
once a week since we have been together.
And through all of this, all the people and all the besties
I have acquired (I actually have a small handful of my real bestfriends..
please don’t be disappointed, Mr. Doctor who once gave me Dilaudid at the
hospital. I still think fondly of those
drugged out days), he remains the one constant in my life.
So imagine my delight, and the tears, and the loud singing
and enthusiastic arm gestures, when I was pondering this very thought and “Sweetest
Devotion” by Adele came on.
“I'll forever be
whatever
You want me to be
I'd go under and all over
For your clarity
When you wonder
If I'm gonna lose my way home just remember
That come whatever I'll be yours all along.
I’m headed straight for
you
You will be eternally
The one I belong to.”
I know.. I AM THE CHEESIEST person ever. But it’s so true. And for us, for two people who are so
different in their daily interactions, it seems to be what works for us. I need to be challenged, respected, and
encouraged to chase the WILD ambitions, and dreams that I think will help me become
the person I want to be. It is not easy to love a person who is forever at odds
with themselves and the world around them. But I will always, always look to him as home.
And oddly enough, despite all the differences, all he really
needs is to be challenged, respected, and encouraged to chase the REAL
ambitions and dreams that will make HIM the person he wants to be. It is not easy to love a person whose job and
reality means I will stand by his side as we pack up the house and our belongings
and say good-bye…. again. But he will always, always look to me as home.
So the answer to the why?? I still don’t know… for other
people.
I know the why for us, for now. Why we are happy and why it works.
I’ve realized that the other girls I debrief with, who seem
to have the similar happy days to non-happy days ratio as us, well they also
have a foggy grasp on what the ‘why’ is for them.
I guess the point I’m driving at is that maybe, just maybe
it’s the constant state of wondering, working, and challenging the redundant
norms of your relationship, that seems to be universal in all good relationships.
But not just the boring, but imperative mechanics of striving to be better, but
also the cheesy parts too.
How even when his socks are all over the damn
house, and the kids are driving you NUTS, he’s the same guy that set your heart
on fire the first time he kissed you.  |
| I asked him to take a selfie with me for Valentine's Day. This is what I got. |
