Tuesday, March 5, 2013

My Dad

 Happy birthday Dad!! I’ve been writing a lot lately for some sad reasons, so I thought in honor of your 60th birthday, I would share a few things I have learned from you.

Publically, obviously, because I know how much you love being the spotlight. (This, my dear dad, is something I did NOT learn from you.)

1) How to fix things

You can fix pretty much anything, and have done so my whole life. In fact, I’m sure to this dad Mike LOVES it when I tell him to call you whenever something is broken. He likes to remind me that he knows what he’s doing, but I have heard him sneakily phone you when he thinks I can’t hear. However, it was years ago that I learned the secret to your magical fixing powers.

Curse words, and throwing things. In that order. There is NOTHING than cannot be saved by muttering all bad words together under your breath, followed simultaneously by the throwing, or physically ramming the object into place.

There is, however, one exception. And despite all the expletives, and all the physical manipulation in your arsenal, you continue to break the computer. Please, please let mom call the Geek Squad. (You think we haven’t noticed that you just keep buying new electronic devices??)

2) How to Be Well Maintained (aka Spoiled)

Dad, you instilled in both Mandy and I, since the time we were small, that little girls can count on their dads to take care of them. From creepy spiders, to creepy guys, you kept all away with an equal amount of disdain. The off shoot from this skill is that you also taught us to be utterly reliant on you to solve some pretty obvious problems for us.

Mandy knew she could call you and mom on any night in high school and yes, you would come and get her from her fantastic directions ex. “I’m in a field”. We knew that if there was an calamity that overcame us, Dad would be there to the rescue. There was one minor exception to an otherwise flawless record.

You did the right thing when you and Mom up and left me in Saskatchewan after high school. You got me a reliable car, checked over my new place, and probably gave a scary stare at Mike when I wasn’t looking. Things were going great! I was so happy to see you when you and mom came to see me a few months later. Things were not so great when you looked under the hood of my car, closed it, and asked me calmly,

“When did you last get the oil changed?”

My blank stare back told you everything you needed to know. You had failed me in this small way. No one told me a car needs gas AND oil. I forgive you though. I don’t think the engine of my car ever did however.

Mike has seamlessly picked up where you left off, and I have only once done something as airheaded as that moment. Ok more than once. Like maybe I do something like that once a day, but don’t worry Dad, Mike takes care of the mess.

3) Why to Never Get Arrested

This might seem self explanatory. But, seeing as there are plenty of rude teenagers wandering around, maybe not. I knew, without a doubt that if I EVER did anything illegal, or got myself into any trouble, real or just an embarrassing story that cycled through town, my father’s wrath would fall upon me. Mandy took a while to come around to this notion and managed to test this theory a few times. While there were no arrests, there were a few tickets involved.

4) How to Worry About Fire/Car Accidents/ Random Mishaps

You inadvertently scared the crap out of me as a kid warning me against the variety of misfortunes that can take place if one isn’t being prudent at all times. Having your passengers in the back seat neglect to put their seat belts on, because while you may be responsible up front, in the case of a roll over your lackadaisical buddy could cost you your life. No hangy things from rear view mirrors. No stuff sitting in the back of the car by the windshield. I will always steer towards the ditch and I will NEVER bother fixing a spare tire by the side of the road when there is CAA. I have working smoke detectors in all areas of the house, and have went over an exit strategy with the kids. I leave nothing near the furnace, by air ducts or buy crappy outlet extenders from the dollar store. Message heard, Dad. Loud and clear. (We have Brad II in Ben.. Safety First, always.)

Other Miscellaneous Tidbits of Wisdom I have learned from you:

Busch beer is the nectar of the Gods.

We don’t like Jeff Gordon but we don’t know why.

Horses just eat, sh#t and spend your money.

Corvette’s are God’s gift to car lovers.

I’m basically awesome at everything.

Finally, Maui is the best place on earth. And that’s where we are headed in mere days to celebrate on the beach after a really crappy year.

And of course, I couldn't possibly end this post without this song .  <3 ...="" p="">


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