Not that puppy videos didn’t have me on the edge of my seat…
but my mind did have a chance to wander, as I tried everything in my mommy repertoire
to get the little nugget calmed down.
I started to think about how things have changed in the last
little while.. and then about the circle of life, and how in the last 18 months it had cycled before our eyes. How every beginning
comes from some other beginning’s end.
As logic begs us to do, shall we start at the beginning?
Which, I guess is my reproductive ability. Stay with me here…
I have three kids. Only one of them has been planned. (You may be asking yourself how this can
happen.. I have too. Clearly, I cannot
be trusted.
I must have missed that day in Grade Nine health.)
Fresh off a back surgery that was emergent in nature, I came
to a startling realization one weekday afternoon.
I felt a little different.
Maybe, a ‘little bit pregnant’, actually. (That girl from the commercials can piss
off.. there is such a thing as being a ‘little bit pregnant’. It’s the time between having no clue you are
pregnant, to the time when you take a positive pregnancy test. The waiting period in between is officially
deemed being ‘a little bit pregnant’).
Like all experienced mothers, I didn’t head to the drugstore
right away.
Nope.
I headed to Dollarama.
Listen, I’d be dishonest if I said I had never made a
stealth trip to Dollarama before for this, um, product.
Whether $1 or $15 they do the same thing. Two lines means whoopsie daisy. One line
means carry on, business as usual.
Well, on this day I was about to get a little surprise.
Well, on this day I was about to get a little surprise.
After saying nothing to anyone, I headed to Dollarama and
grabbed a few tests.
If you're asking yourself why I didn't just have some stocked around the house, well as a perennial perfectionist, and excitable test taker I
cannot be trusted with unopened pregnancy tests anywhere in my vicinity. I love me a good test, and will take them
even when I know darn well I am NOT pregnant.
It’s a weird phenomenon, in which I am certain I am not
alone. After all, they do sell packs at Costco.
But as I said… usually I passed. (Wait is a positive a pass or a fail? I guess that’s all in perspective. )
Anyways ,back to my
story..
I came home and took the test only to find absolute, conclusive,
proof that I was no longer a little bit pregnant. I was a LOT pregnant.
My next logical step was to sneakily text Mike’s sister Amy. ( As my health guru and Registered Nurse, she knows way too much about me, and I’m sure
loves the pictures I send of the kid’s cuts and rashes.) So, I texted her ASAP to ask her what her
professional opinion of Dollarama pregnancy tests are.
She phoned right away.
I was not as stealthy as I thought.
Next stop.. the awkward, “Um Mike. Can you come here for a second?”
To which I simply showed him the positive test and let him
draw the conclusions.
I was pregnant with out third baby.
In life, and certainly in the circle of life, the
ups and the downs seem to cancel each other out.
At the same time I was getting used to the idea of baby #3, in another province my Grandpa heard some bad news about his prognosis with a lung disease.
At the same time I was getting used to the idea of baby #3, in another province my Grandpa heard some bad news about his prognosis with a lung disease.
It wasn’t great.
In fact, it would seem he didn’t have a lot of time at
all.
So it was with great pleasure I phoned to tell him of my oopsie
daisy. Gramps always loved babies, and
was thrilled to hear about my news.
As my pregnancy marched on I even got to phone him and tell
him the second part of the news. It was
another boy, and I got to share with him how the kids reacted (Ben, super
excited.. Belle super upset that as a Mommy and a girl, I would have the
audacity to have anything OTHER than a girl). He laughed and told me he thought that was great.
Unfortunately the doctors were right, and Gramps didn’t have
a chance to meet Grady.
Not long after I told him the news, he took the invisible
elevator and headed on up to heaven. (Anaology kindly provided by my oldest
after hearing the news that Gramps passed away.)
After saying our goodbyes to him, my Grandma, his wife,
suddenly found out her time around here was nearing an end as well.
She asked me one thing… she wanted to meet Grady after he
was born. I promised I would get him
there.
Before long I was 36 ½ weeks pregnant, diabetic, and
seriously ready to get this baby out.
After waking up in the middle of the night with mild
cramps, I woke Mike up to ask him what he thought I should do.
He told me to have a bath and go back to bed. Again, by the third baby, no one gets too
excited over anything.
However by the third baby, it also meant that you have an innate sense when maybe you should get checked out…
just in case.
After a quick bath, hair and make-up, and our friend
arriving at 2am to watch the kids, we headed out the door just to make sure
I wasn't going to be the latest installment of "Homebirths: By Accident".
We sang and laughed on the way to the hospital (can you not
sing along to ‘Springstein’ by Eric Church??) and by the time we pulled up I
was sure I was going back home. I told Mike
not even to bring in the hospital bag since we wouldn’t need it.
5 minutes later he had to go back outside to grab the
bag. I was 6 ½ cm dilated (with no labor
pains yet) and was told they thought I was going to be delivering within the hour.
The ‘question’ came shortly after.
If you’ve had a baby you know the glorious question to which
I refer.
“How are you planning to handle the pain?”
To which I answered a resounding “DRUGS PLEASE!!” and turned
to Mike as soon as they left the room and whispered excitedly,
“They are giving me drugs and I’m not even in labour!!!”
He assured me I was, I kept laughing and we had multiple
nurses tell us we were making labor sound like way too much fun. As it turned out, the medical professionals
were right. I was in labor in a big way, and Grady was on his way to meet us.
Grady was born not long after the giggling, and after 20
minutes of the most peaceful bliss we started calling friends and family to
tell them our surprise. He was healthy,
he was a vivacious eater and we were even offered to go home that same
night. (To which I declined. Are you kidding? Prepared meals, laundry and only the baby
to take care of? How long can I stay??)
We made it home only for a few days before we were
readmitted with the curse of the white baby (jaundice).
A few weeks late, after a high temperature and a middle of
the night SOS call, we once again found ourselves back at the hospital with
what I can only describe as the worst fear of parents of a newborn.
Meningitis.
Meningitis.
(Side note: For those of you who are not vaccinating your
children can I just tell you it is absolutely terrifying to sit in a hospital while
your tiny baby is hooked up to a million lines and machines, waiting for the
results on the cultures grown from their
spinal fluid. Of course he was too young
to be vaccinated, but please, please think of this scenario when you ignorantly
choose to NOT vaccinate your baby due to disproved, INACCRUATE information. If you can avoid this for your baby why
wouldn’t you?)
While in the ER we were dealt another blow. Our beloved 5 year old black lab mutt Sam, was
full of cancer and was going to need to be kept comfortable until the end.
The end came staggeringly fast.
While Grady rallied, and was a tough little baby, requiring only 3
days of hospitalization. He came home right
in time to spend Sam’s last night with us.
Sam was peacefully and lovingly sent into eternal slumber by
our friend who is a vet, who kindly came to our house that quiet night.
With tears we said good bye to our favorite four legged guy,
and held our newborn tightly knowing how lucky we were that their fates had not
been reversed.
Grady recovered fully at home, and we were told he was good
to go.
And go we did, to make good on a promise I made.
Grady met his Great Grandma in what I can only say was a moment
in which words do not suffice.
He smiled and she kissed his little hands repeating “I love you, I love you, I love you” until tears of joy, mixed with tears of the knowledge of what was to come, streamed down everyone’s faces.
He smiled and she kissed his little hands repeating “I love you, I love you, I love you” until tears of joy, mixed with tears of the knowledge of what was to come, streamed down everyone’s faces.
She joined the chorus of angels watching over Grady soon
after.
Grady was the sole beacon of light left in what felt like
such a gloomy world.
Hospitals. Funerals. Good-byes. All had characterized his first few months in this world.
Hospitals. Funerals. Good-byes. All had characterized his first few months in this world.
But, like babies do, he kept us smiling.
He shone light into the darkness my dad felt after losing
two parents so quickly after one another.
He reminded us that life goes on. The circle of life can feel heartless, and
cruel, but that despite the inherent sadness we feel when those we love leave
this earth, it is but the natural order of things.
The old give way to the new.
The lives lived long, and lived well by those who came
before us, breathe life into the little ones just learning how to make their way
in this confusing world.
And as the seasons turn, and time marches on, those little
ones grow.
Soon they are a year old, only a whisper of those first
few months are left on their soft, smooth skin.
Only a hint left in those dimpled cheeks, of the sad tears
shed all around them.
And in those old legs that can no longer stand we soon see little feet trying to navigate gravity and all that comes with teetering and wobbling. And as those weathered hands lose their strength and let go, we feel those little hands looking for a safe place to hang on to, dimpled knuckles grasping to pull that little body to stand.
In these moments we see the circle of life in its most beautiful grandeur.
In the fevered snuggles of those little arms on that long
night, I couldn’t help but feel myself circling back.
In the darkness of the night, in the safety of the embrace between
infant and mother, I felt myself momentarily hinged in the centre of the circle.
Briefly pausing in time with those who held us on those long
nights, and those that held them…
And then I smiled.
 |
| Grady meeting Great Grandma.. A promise kept. |
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